ethermoon

Three Relationships

Well I’ve come to notice that I really have to write down things like this. Like “OMG” I am precariously writing down a very serious blog. This is an attempt to view a relational status in behalf of my concordant life.

I had three relationships to count. I never had a girlfriend when I was in high school. Somehow in my college life I had some formidable crushes but I only end up “crashing and going out” with them. I had these rocky relationships as you can see.

So, in chance of what I call the “getting there” phase, I had my first girlfriend who is irrevocably just like me. I swear, we bound in everything we say and do. Well, she was perfect for me. We would always find ourselves exchanging text messages that can tickle our funny bone. We were sweet. But the fact that this is my first relationship, I cannot just avoid flirting with other girls where she would always frown over me and get jerky with “colloidal” text messages. It was one great year with her. I denied everything when she broke up with me but I’ll be honest: she got through with everything the moment she started seeing someone who can somehow permeates her emotions and feelings. I just realized that in a relationship, emotions and feelings never count as the main event for being a reason. We ended our relationship with me begging her back but she doesn’t want me anymore.

Cutting myself of from depression, I tried going out and getting drunk every other day. Not to mention that my brother was about to migrate in the US plus a friend who just came back from Canada, I ended up either sober or wasted in those endless days of summer 2009. Not until I perchance myself seeing this someone — the second relationship that I had. I WILL BE HONEST WITH THIS: she was the one I truly loved (ever). Maybe I keep on denying that even until now, but I still have tidbits of feelings for her. Like I said, feelings do not count as the main event of reasons but if they were, then I excuse myself from being a hypocrite of not telling the world I still don’t love her. Anyway, I met her in a bar — in which I still deny the fact about my friends telling me that if you meet someone in a bar, your relationship will soon end — last May 2009. I can still remember; it was at first just a funny gesture of me adhering with her and her philosophies (“pasensiya, pasensiya” stance), but I admit: I was not ready for a new relationship. What was beautiful with this one is that on that year, I am about to take a review for our National Board Exam in Nursing and we have the same review center. So I took the chance to go out with her often times until I finally saw that she was opening and healing my heart. With this, I responded ultimately that we can be “friends forever” but the thing is, we always eat lunch, snacks, and dinner together almost everyday. It took some six months of seeing and going out together — up until we took the board exam that we finally declared we are in a relationship. She was the best. We never fought in anything and just everything. We also travel a lot. That is what I like. Finally, I thought, I found someone who can be with me if I wanted to travel here and there. She was abruptly the exact opposite though of my first one. She was always curious — a listener to every sentences that I spit out in the air. I can even remember that when I share some ideas, she would definitely remember every detail that it came one day she can finally tell me all about this one subject say, cameras. She was really sweet and supportive to everything that I do.

During our entire relationship, we only fight and get craycray for some major reasons. If ever I get a message from a random girl friend asking to have a drink, she would definitely just look at me and tell me that I am already in my correct thinking capabilities to know my limits. Talk about being mature. But here comes the stupid part. I was busy with reviewing once again (I didn’t passed the Boards on my first take) that we eventually just had our conversation one text away. She went back to have a vacation in their province. What I love is that she was really supportive that I once had an exhibit and she surprised me by showing up on the big event. Sad part is, when the board exam was nearing, there was this girl I tried chatting in Facebook. Well, I was excited to meet her (without actually having any emotional attachments) but yes, blame the heart, it hit the right spot.

She was eventually surprised with how things turned so fast that she had to come over my house and talk about it. We cried over and over again, hugs were like infinite to count and we ended up sleeping together (and had no MOMOL attachments). I was stupid; I chose that girl from Facebook. For the last time, we met up in a bar and we talked of things regarding our “relational status”. It was very subtle and very demeaning that I tried not to get back with her anymore. Was I voided with love and lust? So, this second relationship ended with hurt and me realizing that after two or three months, I still want her but I cannot get back to her. Up until now, everything to her is bullshit while everything to me was pure bliss. So everything — from pure bliss and pure love — ended up being hurt with each other; things have gone cray-cray to what I call my tweet of the year 2k11 “I CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP — IN FETAL POSITION”.

So now everything got difficult for me. I really don’t know if I am carrying this karma for being a total bitch with my second relationship. The third one (in which was promised that I muster to not have any emotional attachments) eventually developed inside a bar. Right then and there, we kissed and things were like happy and joy. We see each other everyday — fetching her up in her class, going to places we never knew, had sex in the car, those things a baby relationship would do. I really still cannot figure out why she would do that certain move when we once kissed inside her car — that she pulled me towards her body and had a great momol-ing time in the parking lot. At first, it was blissful. Then came her family who doesn’t like me because they judged too well with my attitude — that I drink, I smoke, I get plenty of overdosed drugs, and that I get a lot of girls with me. I tried proving them wrong but what’s the point, anyway? I mean why would you fuck and prove yourself to some certain people? Why can’t you just be true and be honest with yourself? I tried doing that but got angry when her family took me to a dinner and investigated me, just like that scene where a police would interrogate a suspect.

Things turned out bitter the next few weeks. I realized that she was possessive. We argue in a lot of things — most of them were just some minor scratches from our delicatessen. We had that one major fight; I have this girl who constantly sends me messages with suffices like “mwah” or the kiss sign. Got into a major fight, begged for her sorry, promised everything, and then things got back into order. But it was infuriating, to say. We often momol a lot and then argue with simple things. It was a fucking routine. For a year, I tried holding on to just everything because she would literally kill her self if I broke up with her. Sympathy over love is never a rescuing idea. But after a year, I was at my breaking point. I realized that I really need to let things go because I am practically dying inside holding on with our relationship. So I tried asking her to give me some space because I was “tired” of everything. Have I fallen out of love? Maybe. But what she does not understand in this part is that I am doing this for her. Yes, I tried sending her messages in that week-long of space and time that I love her so I have to let her go. This is the part where she didn’t get it.

One day, she saw me hanging out with someone (I was holding the girl’s hands) that she got angry and bitch-slap me in the hospital. I don’t deserve it. If I do, I would be precariously bitter with everything. This third relationship was really rocky. Parents judging me and friends lambasting over with our “private” relationship. Not to mention that this one is really immature in every fucking way. So I broke up. And I won’t look back. No matter how much lampooning they would do to me, I always say to myself that “no one cares with this shit” and that “I won’t waste some fucking time lowering myself with their attitudes and their immaturity”. I finally gave in with the karmic rule. Bad intentions would eventually fold up like a spring and multiply into such a way that we would be paying for it. So whatever I do today, I always let the Universe conspire so I can choose the right thing.

To be honest, I’ve always wanted a girl who acts mature, who is just different from me (in a way), and with a family who will never judge me because I drink, I smoke, and I drugs. I’ve always wanted a girl who would fall in love with me over and over again, who would just be as calm as the sea, and who would just go with the flow. I dream of a girl who would be with me and support me no matter what, and who will understand my part and my heart. A girl who would definitely not get angry in small petty issues, who knows how to balance time, effort, and energy, and who would listen to me in every wakal that I will do. A girl that would make me laugh and knows how to tickle my funny bone. I dream of a girl who knows that I can trust her in just everything that we do and that a returned trust will also be given as due respect. A girl who will never ever judge me because of my past.

I will be seeing you in the future. Perhaps right now, I will just be here learning to what the Universe will teach me. To the future! :)

For now, I will just leave this cute note that I posted on Tumblr a year ago.

Before You Grow Up, You Must Fall In Love Three Times

Once you must fall in love with your best friend, ruining your friendship forever. This will teach you who your true friends are, and the fine line between friendship and more.

Once you must fall in love with someone you believe to be perfect. You will learn that no one is perfect, and that you should never be treated as any less than you deserve.

And once you must fall in love with someone that is exactly like you. This will teach you about who you are, and who you want to be.

And when you’re through with all that, you learn that the people who care about you the most are the ones that you hurt, and the ones that hurt you are the ones that you needed the most. But most of all, you learn that love is only a concept and is not something that can be defined, it is different to each person that experiences it. And you will learn to respect each and every person on this earth, knowing that everyone only wants to be loved.